Stone Overcoat - February, 2004

February 2004

I have decided since I am not smart with dates I will try my best to go a month at a time. It is hard to remember when things happened almost 15 years ago but I am trying my best. 

After Lotus came by to visit me in January and asked me about my future and whatever it might look like I knew I would need to focus on making sure I could keep myself together. I never thought about how hard it would be to alone. In my mourning period when I had my grief I could sit alone for days on end. I could pour my energy in to my work around the farm even though I did not really know what to do. I found I could digest every thing when I worked so hard I could only collapse as the sun settled beneath the horizon. I never thought of myself as a hard worker or as someone who would be a good example for anything but even in the winter there was work to be done on the farm and I suppose if someone were to see me they would have said they could have helped teach me to do what I was doing better but not harder. I have never taken a great deal of pride in any thing I have ever done but I suppose I took pride at that time in how hard I worked. It was a good feeling and made me feel like I had something to look towards. 

However once the times passed and I was able to sit and think about the emptiness settling into my life I knew I needed something more and the idea of a dog or a cat had stuck in my mind. When I thought about it all I knew a dog would have its benefits and every one or at least from what I knew every one loved dogs and said they could be a mans best friend. I worried I would not be able to give the dog the care it needed or that I would disappoint it some how and leave it longing for some thing I could not provide or deprive it of a better life it could have elsewhere. I decided on looking at a cat instead because when I was a I kid we had a cat and I knew I could let the cat out and it would go and live its best life and come back as it needed to and when it wanted to. Something about that was attractive to me.

I went to the local veterinarian Doctor Thunder and I knew right away I made the right choice. She was a strong woman who was noble and kind and humble and caring. I told her I was looking to adopt a cat and she asked me a few questions. “Why are you looking for a cat Paul? How do you live? What are you expecting?” I do not entirely remember my answers but I remember telling her I am looking for companionship and I live simply and the only expectations I have are to care for something beyond myself and my farm and my farm animals. Ever since my brother and mom died I told her I have busied myself with work and have been trying to find something to fill a hole in my guts I did not know xsisted. Doctor Thunder smiled and took me to the back of the clinic where the adoption animals were. There were meows and yelps and barks and cries and I wondered how I could not take every animal home with me. I know it was impossible and I know Doctor Thunder would not have let me leave with more then one but my heart still ached when I saw them. There were some kittens which had come in as a pair and I knew I could not take both and because of that I could not take one. Wandering through the small room and moving from cage to cage was a painful xperients. 

There are some xperientses I cannot forget and I remember as clear as day and the tiny white cat thrusting his arm out through the cage and grabbing me is one of those. I could hear him purring from the cage and I crouched down to watch him pull his paw back and roll on to his back. He seemed like quite the performer and someone who desperately wanted to go home. I have heard sometimes that we do not pick animals and that they pick us and I would say that is fairly accurate. I asked Doctor Thunder what is his name and she smiled and said his name is Townes. I smiled too. Townes the cat. I had never met or heard of any one with that name and it seemed good. I asked Doctor Thunder how I took him home and she told me there would be a bit of paperwork and she would walk me through what to expect and she would be able to set me up with the things I would need to help him get acklimated. I was lucky in that he already had all of his shots and he appeared to have a clean bill of health. I appreshiated that. The last thing I wanted was to bring a cat home and find out he would die shortly thereafter. Losing my brother and mom so close to each other still hurt and it still hurts but the pain was slowly subsiding. I was sure another loss would open those wounds up again and I would feel the hurt all again and I did not want to xperients that again. 

When I got home with Townes I set him down in the cabin and watched him immediately take stock of the place. He crept from room to room to room slinking along and sniffing and hiding and once he xplored the floor he began to climb a dresser and then a night stand and then a side table in the living room and the coffee table and the dining room table and the kitchen counter. He seemed boundless in his curiosity and fearless in whatever reaction he might receive from me and I promised myself I would never shout at him and I would never get mad and I would never hold anything against him and I would always love him. 

I did not see him very much that first night. I did see his gold eyes in the dark when I was lying in bed. He was sitting in the hallway watching me through the bedroom door. When I was a kid I always slept with the bedroom door open because I was afraid of the dark. I am not afraid of the dark any more and I have not been for a long time but maybe I keep the door open out of habit. I have always slept with my window blinds open too because it keeps the room from being too dark. I have always worried about the dark if I am being honest. I know some people do not like the honesty of admitting they are afraid and I can understand it. If someone knows what you are afraid about then they will be able to use that to hurt you one day. But I knew Townes could never hurt me even though later on he would attack my ankles or he would bite my hand and arm as I scratched his belly. I knew he would jump on my shoulder sometimes or shoot out from under the couch and that would be okay. 

Any way the next night it was more of the same with Townes for most of the night. I fell asleep with him watching me with his gold eyes shining through the darkness and focused on me. His eyes did not blink and they did not move. He just looked. And at some point through the night I woke up and he was cuddled up behind my knees. I know cats love heat and I know behind my knees is where a lot of my body heat escapes so I understand one reason why he went in to sleep there. I also think it might be because he felt a connection with me at the veterinarians office and was not just seeking escape. When I pushed myself up a bit to get a better look at him he looked up at me with his eyes half open. He stared at me for a half-second like I had the nerve to be in his bed and wake him up while he was sleeping and then he dropped his head and went back to sleep and I knew I was in love. It is funny how these little creatures can endear themselfs to us so quickly and with such intentcity.