Stone Overcoat - December or January, 2004 or 2005
December or January 2004 or 2005
I do not know how much time passed between when Jarrett came to my farm and when I decided to go into Screaming Ridge next because I do not celebrate any holidays because I have no family and have never had any religion or faith to follow and a lot of those sorts of things have holidays every month. In many ways even if I did have something to celebrate I was spending so much time in the basement with the casket that I did not often see the sun rise or set or the moon rise or set. It was getting harder and harder to climb up the stairs to eat the little and sometimes decaying food I had left in the fridge because being away from the casket and the skeleton inside began to cause me great pain. I realized how thin I was becoming and how my muscles were wasting away. My hair which had turned long and grey along with my beard was now coming out in little clumps and my teeth had loosened in my head. I had not seen Townes in many night and I worried he had been eaten by a coyote or another animal. I remember climbing up the steps for the first time after Jarrett came to visit and I saw the house filled with snow and ice and the bitter cold wind whistled through broken windows. I had hoped maybe Jarrett only broke the window on the door and I was disappointed to see it was more than one window but I had to remind myself maybe I was not being fair. Maybe the other windows had been broken some other way and he did not break them. Whatever the case was my cabin was cold and I was not dressed for it. My clothes hung to me and were more rags than anything else now and they stunk. A stink held to the fibres and it reminded me of the smell my brother had when we buried him and the smell my mother had when I buried her.
Because of the cold I did not spend very long upstairs but I rooted through my closets for a sweater and some pants and a coat and I went back into the basement with them and once I got near the casket I felt warm again. I do not know why or how or what gave off the heat but I have also heard people say not to question good luck when it comes your way so I will not question it and I will enjoy it. For a long time I ran my hands around the casket. It was so smooth and it was so perfect and it was so warm and it felt at times like it was moving and it made for more of a companion than even my beloved cat who I do not even know when I saw last. Once I warmed up and had a chance to put on my winter clothes I would go up and I would look at my farm. I have not worked in the field and I have not checked on the animals and a part of me felt sick to the stomach because of the farm’s failure when it was the only thing I had left. Knowing I needed to climb the stairs I pulled the sweater over my head and I pulled the pants onto my legs and shoved my arms into the jacket. I felt like an astronaut preparing for space. My boots would be the last thing I needed to put on and I knew I had left them by the front door.
As I climbed the stairs the second time my legs seemed heavier than I ever remember. Every step was labour and reaching the top of the stairs would be the only way I would be born into the world above. Once I got there I would do my look around the farm and then I would retreat back to the basement. I wanted to be quick and I did not want anyone to see me though at that point I did not know if it mattered any more if anyone saw what I had found or questioned what I had found. Whatever I told anyone would be would ignored. I would be looked at and they would see a man who has not eaten properly in months and who looks half dead and who is clothed in rags. I knew there would be a chance if the police saw me they might even arrest me but I also knew my luck might prevent that from happening. I worried most about what might happen if my luck changed or if it had already started to change and where I would be left and what I would be left with. Whatever might happen or would happen was something I needed to leave behind for a little while as I went through the farm. The snows had come in heavy and it fell into the cabin when I opened the door. Maybe the snow was up to my knees and the cold bit into my feet but I did not notice or care much. I did not feel like frostbite was something I would need to worry about because it would not be very long I was outside.
Wading through the snow was slow going but as I made my way from chicken coop to pig pen to the barn itself I began to notice all of the animals were starved dead and frozen and half eaten by predators. I was surprised in a way but in another way I was not surprised and I was more surprised about how the luck I enjoyed did not extend out to the animals under my care. In some ways I wondered if my luck had reached the animals and they were able to move on from the world and onto their lives. What a thought that was. Perhaps my luck had moved beyond good and bad. Perhaps I had moved beyond good or bad. What a thought.
I stood for a good minute looking at the death surrounding me and I looked out towards my fields all covered in snow and looking as serene as could be. In many ways I was jealous of the snow which sat with so much peace and being disturbed by so very little. Out in rural Alberta we are at the mercy of the winter and the weather and there is little one can do beyond wait it out and I find great comfort in that. The only thing we can do is wait. What a a beautiful thought. In some ways it reminded me of playing bingo where one could buy as many cards as one wanted to buy and one could play as much as one wanted to play but if one was not patient little else mattered. At least I suppose that was the thinking that might have applied when I played before the casket. Once I had the casket everything changed and I am forever in debt for it. There was very little I needed to wait for because my pull was so strong. As I walked around my land I saw only a once vibrant farm reduced to decay and rot but as my eyes drifted back and back beyond my farmland I saw the forest where I found the casket and I saw only a beacon glittering and shining in the distance. One day I would go back and if I had the strength in my arms I would dig again.
