Stone Overcoat - maybe November, 2004

Maybe November 2004

I did not go into town for the better part of a month after Lotus left. I thought a great deal about what she told me and how people were upset with me and I had come to think of how funny it was other people were angry at me for my success. I thought about how typical it was to be upset when someone was doing badly in life and then to be upset with that same person when they started to do better in life. I remember when my brother was sick and his skin was turning all grey almost like mine was turning grey and people looked at him like he would make them sick. My brother had bad luck because he got very sick and died and his skin looked like mine does and I see I am doing well and I am having good luck so sometimes it is hard to tell how someone is doing by how they look. I know it should not have taken me this long to figure that out but as I have said many times I am not very smart and I often miss what is obvious for others.

What I do know is when I went into Screaming Ridge for the first time after Lotus left some time after Halloween is I watched some grass grow when I came near and I watched it wilt when I walked away. I watched red lights turn green as I approached and I watched them turn red again as I left. I went into the post office to buy some stamps and they were just about to close and they told me they were just about to close and told me it was 4 o’clock and when I looked at the clock it was only 3:55. I thought I would go to the bingo hall because I had not been in months and when I stepped in everyone stopped what they were doing and that never happens in in the bingo hall. Nobody stops dabbing and nobody stops calling numbers and nobody stops yelling bingo because one person comes in the room but they stopped when I came in. I watched the people who were never happy not even look at me and try to avoid looking at me and I thought how quaint. At first they were jealous of how much I won and how often I won and now they cannot even look at me and I thought maybe they were afraid of me and maybe they were afraid of good luck coming their way and what they would do with good luck and how they would live in the world if they could not be unhappy all the time. I thought it was not fair for them to look at me the way they did and they should not be looking at me and judging me because that was not fair and I have always been fair to them. I was always kind to Pope when he cussed at me for holding the door for him even though he said he could get the door when he could not. In some ways and if I tried I could understand where Pope was coming from and that is fine. If he wants to be upset at me he could go ahead. 

I did not stay at the bingo hall because I can tell when I am not wanted. I had not enjoyed a pizza in a while and I headed to the pizza joint. I have not had a Hawaiian pizza in I do not even know how long and I thought it would be nice to have one of those and if I am being honest I thought it would be nice to give Townes a piece of ham from the pizza. I try my best to feed him as best as I can and he seems to do very well though I believe it is important to give a treat every now and then too. Inside the pizza joint it was not a very warm exchange. I wanted to pay for the pizza and I was refused being told I should just take the pizza and leave. I did not want to just leave without paying because I did not think that was right. It was one thing for a deal or a sale but to be told I should just have something for free did not sit right with me. I insisted on paying and I took the money from my wallet and I put it down on the counter and pushed across until it was accepted and much quicker than I expected the pizza was ready and in my hands. It did not seem possible it could have cooked so quick but when I opened up the box I saw sure enough it had been cooked perfectly so I thanked them and took the pizza and left. 

The sound of the door locking behind me as I left was not a good feeling and I wondered if the door was locked in case I turned around to go back in but I also wondered if the door might just unlock if I wanted to go back in. I did not want to go back in but the thought crossed my mind while I walked. In some ways I did not mind what Lotus told me a while back about how people looked at me different. While I am not comforted by it in any way I am able to be at peace and I am able to walk with only my own thoughts. I wonder if it is my luck which keeps people away from me but I do not think my luck could control that. In fact the more I thought about it sometimes I even wondered if my luck had changed all that much because how could I be having such good luck if my only friend in the world left me behind and how could I be having good luck if stores closed when I came by or when someone tried to avoid me. All of it gave me a bit of a headache if I am being honest with myself. 

A bit of proof I had to show my luck did not control everything around me was when Jarrett approached me while I carried my pizza down the street. He seemed irritated and hot around the collar but I think both of those things were common for him because he did not seem like a very happy person. There are some things I remember and there are some things I forget and if I am being honest with myself I probably forget more than I remember but I do not think that is all that unusual. One thing I remember pretty good is what Jarrett said to me when I was carrying the pizza and he said “hey fuck you. Go back to your farm and get out of Screaming Ridge.” I know he said a few others fuck-yous to me but those were just noise. I asked him what I had ever done wrong to him and he did not have a very good answer there and only told me again what I could go and do to myself. Sometimes I do not mind writing down swear words but other times I mind and what he said to me is one of those times when I mind. I know some people spend a lot of time thinking about the bad times and the bad things and they can do that but I like to think about the good things and the good times and how to make those happen. I think that is what they call the power of positive thinking. 

Anyway I told Jarrett he should not talk to me how he was talking to me and he laughed in my face. He asked me if I knew who he was and that was a dumb question because of course I knew who he was and before I could answer that he said his name was J-A-double R-E-double T K-E-double L-double E and I could take his name and shove it up my ass which I found confusing and I asked him if he really wanted me to take his name and shove it up my ass and he did not like what I had to say even though I thought it was fair. He pushed me and I told him to please be careful because I was holding my pizza and I did not want to drop my pizza and he knocked the pizza out of my hand. He shoved me again and asked me what I was going to do about it and I told him I did not know what I was going to do but to please stop shoving me because I had been working on the farm and I was sore and I was tired from a long day’s work. He laughed in my face and told me knew what I was up to on the farm and he knew I was not selling fruits or vegetables and he had seen my animals and he knew I was not selling any milk or cheese or eggs or anything else that can come from an animal. I told he did not know what he was talking about and he pushed me again and swung at me trying to punch me in the eye but he tripped on his own feet and almost fell right on his face. He did not like that and spit at me and he cussed at me and told me again to go do something to myself and to go somewhere hot to do it as he stormed off down the sidewalk. I wondered if any of that made him feel better and I doubt it did and I think he will be one of those people who later in his life is sitting in the bingo hall wanting other people to be just as miserable as him. 

Anyway I picked up my pizza and I opened the top of the box to make sure it was all in one piece and it mostly was. A few pieces of pineapple had been disturbed but that was it and I was very happy with that. When I got home I would be very happy as I ate a slice and knew I had done the right thing by standing up for myself and by not getting involved in whatever it was that Jarrett wanted me to get involved in. I know I should not be fighting with people and that is something my mom put in my mind when I was just a kid and my brother told me something very close to that too but he said we had to fight when we needed to but it should only be to defend other people. Sometimes I understand that and sometimes it is a mystery to me but I also have not had to deal with very much of people giving me a hard time because no one comes out to the farm but I guess from hearing what Jarrett said to me maybe more people come by and look at the farm than I know. Whatever the case might have been I had my pizza and I was going to go home and eat my pizza and share some of the toppings with Townes and my night would be set. 

Some people think pineapple on pizza is the worst thing in the world I have never understood how someone could think pineapple on pizza is the worst thing in the world. I have heard a lot of people say it not right or it is unacceptable or they hate it and I always wondered how someone could hate a fruit on pizza or what made it not right or unacceptable. Most of the time I think it is just because people do not like it and they are trying to make everyone else not like it just the same was as those people in the bingo hall are always unhappy and mad at being who are happy. The people who hate pineapple on pizza are just unhappy other people are enjoying something and that is not fair. I have always thought people should eat what they want to eat. 

One of the things I remember as clear as I can remember anything is when Jarrett came over that night after knocking my pizza out of my hand. I do not always remember all the details but I always remember the important stuff and I always remember how someone made me feel and those are things I know I remember about this. There was a time when I ate in the kitchen at the kitchen table but it had been a long time since I did that — I am not sure how long but I know there is a layer of soot or ash on the table that probably could have told me long it had been — because I started to eat in the basement by the casket. Townes sat down there with me too and he roamed around the casket sniffing at it and growing at it or hissing at it. I am not sure exactly what he did not like about it but it did not seem that he did not like it enough to stay away from it. It could have been he did not want me to be around it but I do not know. I know that a cat brain weighs only about one ounce so I do not think he could know very much about what I should or should not be doing. Whatever the case might have been I sat on the floor eating my pizza and sharing it with Townes when he wanted a nibble of ham. 

When Lotus came to visit she used to knock and I would let her in. The last time she visited she knocked and I had to run up the stairs from the basement to let her in. When Jarrett came to the farm he did not knock on the front door. Instead he smashed in the window on the front door and let himself in and I dropped my pizza onto the floor of the basement. I did not jump up to my feet and I did not rush over to the stairs and I remember wishing I had closed the door to the basement. Even without the light on the door was open and Jarrett would see the door open and he would come into the basement and he would see me there and if he saw me there then he might see the casket and if he saw the casket everything I worried about happening would happen.

I will never forget what he shouted because he shouted “HEY FUCK YOU BRISTOL! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING FARM AND YOUR FUCKING CROPS AND YOUR FUCKING ANIMALS!” He sounded like he had been drinking or what I imagined it would sound like because I have never drank alcohol in my life. My family did not drink alcohol because of the problems it could cause but I know a lot of people drink alcohol for a lot of reasons and I do not judge them for it because I do not know what they are dealing with in their lives. What I do know about alcohol is that it can make people make decisions they would not make if they were not drinking and I remember that is what I thought when Jarrett started shouting. I thought he is here to cause trouble for me and I do not want any trouble. 

In my cabin above me I could hear smashing and crashing. I did not have very much and a lot of what I had was leftover from my mom decorating the cabin. Pictures on the walls and pictures in frames and pictures on side tables and the coffee table and I think Jarrett might have knocked them all off. I remember him yelling what a dump and he must have thrown something through a window because I heard a window break. I did not know why he would want to destroy my cabin but people do funny things when they have been drinking and people do funny things when they are unhappy so I was not surprised he was doing what he was doing. I knew I needed to decide what I would do and I decided what I would do by running my hand through the ash and soot on the floor and began to smudge and smear it on my body and it felt different from how it normally settled on my body. I looked around and could not see Townes and his gold eyes anywhere but I was not surprised because if I were him and heard what was going on upstairs I would have gone into hiding too. It would not take very long for Jarrett to find his way into the basement because my cabin is small and I did not think he would be happy with only wrecking what he could wreck upstairs. I thought maybe he would surprise me and leave but he did not surprise me and he did not leave. I knew I could clean up upstairs and it might take a little while and I would need to be careful about broken glass and I would need to worry about Townes and the broken glass but I would be able to clean it up. I creeped over to the casket and touched it and it felt warm and it had never felt warm before. I picked it up and cradled it against my chest and I think I felt it move closer to me and get closer to me almost the same way the cat did and it felt good.

The shadow at the top of the stairs got bigger and bigger as Jarrett got closer and closer and I hoped my luck would turn him away and he would say why bother going into the basement there is nothing down there. But he did not say why bother and I watched him take his first step onto the stairs before he stopped and started yelling swears at me. The first few were just fuck-yous but then he started calling me a liar coward motherfucker and kept saying he was going to sort me out and he was going to find out what I was doing and he was going to make sure I did not do it anymore. I was worried because I had never dealt with anything like that before. I have always minded my own business and always tried to live a quiet life and stay out of trouble but sometimes trouble has a way of finding you and there is not much to do except deal with it. I thought about how Lotus told me good luck is not always good luck and I think I understood then what she meant by that. 

The stairs creaked as Jarrett stepped down each way. I wondered if he could see Townes and his gold eyes or if he was able to see me and my blue eyes reflecting in the darkness. I wondered if anything reflected out of my eyes anymore or if they were as disheveled as the rest of me had become. As Jarrett walked down I do not think he saw me but I watched him stop and feel along the wall for the light switch and he flicked the light switch but it did not turn on because I had taken the lightbulb out of the socket a while ago. I knew the casket deserved the dark and my basement should be burial ground just as the earth behind my farm had once been. It did not take very long for him to get down the stairs because the staircase was not very big and he stepped down the last step and stopped. I never noticed myself but he noticed right away the deep layers of ash and soot and dust in the basement and I think they reached part way up his leg almost to his knees. He said more swears and curses and started coughing while started kicking at the ground in front of him maybe hoping to hit something. I hoped he did not kick Townes because the cat was not very big and while he might have thought he could take on any human he was still very small and would not be able to. I thought about the bones in the casket and the big teeth and the big jaw and I wondered what kind of animal it was and if it would have been able to eat Jarrett who was moving slowly in the basement shouting where are you you motherfucking motherfucker where are you you piece of shit I know you are here. I did not like his language and it was not that I was against swearing because I have said a lot of swears in my day and I think they are fine but the way he was saying them did not sit right. Jarrett got closer and closer and closer to me and I clutched the casket closer and closer to my chest and pulled it in with everything I had. It almost felt like the stone moved too and tried to melt against me to fit better. I held my breath because I thought maybe Jarrett would even be able to hear me breathing and I worried about what might happen if he saw me or found me. 

But I did not have to worry about what happened if he saw me because he stopped just short of where I was and he seemed to give up looking and turned around and walked back to the stairs. He did not stop the swearing and the cussing as he walked up to the cabin. I do not know if he could not get the dust out of his nose or out of his lungs but the coughing did not stop. Maybe I have just not been bothered by the ash and the soot because I have been surrounded by it for so long now. Something I found funny about it all was I could hear Jarrett stomping through the cabin again and breaking whatever else he could find to break and on his way out he closed the front door. I am not sure how many people break into a house and wreck whatever they can and then close the door on their way out. Once I was sure he had gone I would clean the place up and then I would confront him but I knew I had to wait a while before going back up because he might just wait for me outside and be leaving so he could see if I had been there the whole time. I worried a little bit that he might be waiting for me but I also knew I could wait as long as I needed to wait because I had the casket with me and it would not let me down. My luck was still working because if it had not been then Jarrett would have found me instead of leaving.