Stone Overcoat - October, 2004

October 2004

I remember the conversation with Lotus took a long time to set up because it seemed like she was trying to avoid me. I do not entirely know why she was avoiding me because I had not done anything to her but I can understand if because it had been so long since we saw each other last that she felt a little awkward for having avoided me for so long. I had been so busy and every time I reached out to her she said she had to work because her new job was so demanding and that is fine. I understand how new jobs work. The work on the farm had been steady which is saying the least. I was up at the crack of down to visit the casket in my basement and it seemed like every day it was later in the day when I got out to the field and the field seemed to be maintained as though I were there when the birds rose and when I was done in the field I went into the basement and I ran my hands over the casket for a good portion of the evening until the sun settled. Now when I went into town people avoided me because I looked a little rough around the edges and when I looked in the mirror I could see it. My eyes were strained red and my hair had gotten long and stringy and a lot of it was gone grey and my beard hung down near my chest. I realized I have not showered very much recently and because I worked in the field so much I did not always think it was necessary though I suppose keeping up appearances was something one needed to do every now and then. I was curious to see how far I could push it because the casket had done so much for my luck. Even though I could go back to the bingo hall because they have told me in not so many words that I won too much and I won too often. They told me my appearance and my smell were beginning to be a cause of complaints among the regulars though I know it was probably the people who are never happy like Kevin and Mike and Nansee and Pope and Arleen and Faith. They have never been happy since the minute Lotus and I started going to the bingo hall and I think they became less happy once I started winning what they thought they should have been winning. I have noticed when you are miserable you do not see a lot of good luck come your way but when you are positive you see a good deal of good luck come your way. 

After some chasing around I think Lotus’ phone must have been disconnected because I could no longer reach her when I tried to set up a time to get together. It was deeply frustrating because all I wanted was to see my friend and hear about her new job and what had been going on in her life. I think someone told me once that if I could dream it I could achieve it and I must have forgotten it until recently because now when I started focusing my mind on something it started to happen. So one night when I was holding the casket I thought about how much I wanted to see Lotus more and how I hoped it would happen and the next day when I went into Screaming Ridge to buy some essentials I ran into her as she was stepping out of the bank and heading to her car. I think must have caught her in a moment where she was not paying attention because she jumped when she saw me and she seemed a little thrown off by my appearance which I found odd because I do not think I looked all that different from the last time I saw her. It was only July when I saw her last which was not all that long ago so I think she must have had a lot on her plate. 

She did not seem to want to talk to me and kept telling me she was in a hurry and I said there was plenty of time because all we had was time. Lotus asked me what did I mean by all we have is time and I told her I realized once you stop counting minutes and stop counting hours and mornings and afternoons and days and nights then all of a sudden there is a lot of freedom to be had. The answer did not seem to satisfy whatever motivated her to ask the question and I found myself a little disappointed but I asked her to come over for lunch with me so we could catch because I miss her. I watched her try and avoid the answer and she eventually agreed and I knew it would be important to talk to her about helping her with her scheduling so she can be sure to have enough time. Maybe she was having problems with J-A-double R-E-double T. I had a feeling I could take care of those problems too. 

It was probably in the middle of October when Lotus and I finally were able to get together and she agreed to come over to my cabin. I know I spent a good deal of time with the casket in my hands think about her making the trip over so I wondered how much of it was her deciding to make the trip and how much of it might have been my improved luck affecting her agreeing or maybe if the casket allowed me to make decisions that could be realized. It took me a little bit of time to think on the last one because I did not know how it could be possible. I did not think it was possible anyway for something like the casket to make me lucky but it did so maybe to take it one step further was not all that crazy. What I did know is leaving the casket closed was not necessarily an option anymore because every time I touched it I just wanted to open it. I wanted to run my finger across the rough patch and feel it bite into my finger or pull at my nail and then see the red line run around the outside and the lid open so I could lift it off and look at the animal inside. I still had not been able to find out what sort of animal it was or what it had been. I wondered what it would be take for me to get a better sense of what it had looked like when it was alive and I wondered what the casket would need from me. There must be something more it would want for that. In the back of my mind I wondered if it is not eating a little piece of me every day because I am becoming thinner each day and while I do a good amount of work in the field I am spending less and less time there and less and less time getting my hands dirty. My hands seem covered with more dirt when I am handling the casket because when I finish holding it in the morning or in the night my hands are left looking like I have been handling ash and soot and the colouring does not seem to wash off. 

There are a lot of times in my life I do not remember very well and my last time seeing Lotus is one of those times where I remember just about everything. I do not remember the date but I know it was not Halloween yet and I am sure I could go back through my records for bill payments to narrow it down. I know it would have been in the second half to the month but in many ways time stopped mattering a long time ago and I wonder how long ago I stopped paying attention to a calendar or to a clock. Maybe when my brother first got sick and died and then my mom got sick and died. In some ways I saw the world while I watched from a standstill. Everything became a waking moment.

The firm knock at the door of the cabin brought me scrambling up from the basement and smoothing out my wrinkled clothes. Though I was never the biggest man in the room I realized my shirt hung off me like a bag and my belt was cinched as tight as it could be and my pants still sat on my hips and threatened to fall off with every step. Whatever the case might have been I was not very concerned. When I answered the door I expected Lotus to step into my home and greet me with warmth but instead she stood at the doorstep clutching a piece of luggage in her hands. I did not need any luggage because I did not plan on going anywhere so I wondered why she would have brought something like that over. Maybe it was some new clothes for me but again while I think my clothes had gotten a little big I was not concerned. So I asked her if she would step in and I would start getting lunch ready and I asked if sandwiches would be okay and I could make up a salad too if she wanted but she did not seemed interested in either option. 

Instead she asked me “is everything okay Paul?” And I think I understood the question in some ways. I know when people ask is everything okay they are trying to ask if someone is wrong without asking if something is wrong and in this case I was able to answer quite honestly when I said absolutely everything is great and has never been better. I told her I thought the weather was okay and I hoped it would hold out for the rest of the fall but I was looking forward to the winter so I could look at what I had done over the past year figure out what I could do better in the coming year. I am not sure what sort of answer Lotus was expecting but I asked her to step in again and she paused before stepping in. Townes came by and rubbed up against her leg and she knelt down and scratched his head and he meowed at her and that pleased me greatly. He did not see a lot of other other people and that is probably my fault for not having more friends or more guests or for not having a family and maybe one day I will be able to have a family so Townes will be able to see more than just me. 

When Lotus asked me if everything I was okay I do not know how I could answer otherwise. When she looked around my cabin and asked me when the last time I cleaned was I looked around too and I found I had to ask the same question. I did not leave garbage or trash lying around and the house did not stink because I made sure to take the waste outside but I realized the dusting had been neglected and I wondered if it was dust or if the same soot that covered my hands somehow had been making its way up from the basement. I suppose it was possible but I never brought the casket up from its resting place because if I brought it up then someone might learn about it somehow. For example if Lotus knew about the casket she might ask questions I could not answer and because I could not answer them she might go to someone else with the question and then all of a sudden there would be a lot more questions I needed to answer and I might see the gas companies and the oil companies and the government start poking around. I have never had as much energy before as I had after I am with the casket and I wonder if that is not something those groups would want. 

Out of nowhere Lotus told me “Paul I am leaving Screaming Ridge and I do not know when I will be back. I applied to a job in Toronto and I got the job in Toronto and I am moving to Toronto.”

I do not know if I was totally surprised because I know how much energy Lotus had and how good she was at her work so I was happy she had the new opportunity. I wondered what might have driven her away from Screaming Ridge though and something began to stir in my guts. I asked her how things were going at the bank since it had been so long since we saw each other last and she said they were going alright but the bank is one reason why she wanted to leave because she did not see how much farther she could climb up the ladder there and Screaming Ridge was so small there was not a lot of opportunity to start a job somewhere else and I understood that. Lotus seemed to become more comfortable as she talked and I remembered how we used to go to bingo together and how much fun it was and it had been a long time since we went together. I asked her if she remembered when we used to play bingo and she said of course she remembered and I asked her why we stopped playing bingo and she became quiet. She told me some of the fun came from not winning all the time. I answered that I understood and that was what I liked about it too and she asked me if I remembered the last time something did not go my way and I told her things did not go my way all the time. She crouched down and scratched at Townes head and looked up at me and said she had not heard of me losing at bingo at all in recent months and that I seemed to get free things wherever I went and I never seemed to get a parking ticket and I never seemed to never not have enough in my wallet and there always seemed to be a sale on something no one knew about at the grocery store when I went to the grocery store. I told her I did not know what to make of that and I did not think that having some good luck was a bad thing and the trade I made for the good luck was I was no longer welcome at the bingo hall because I could feel the people stare at me especially the people who were never happy. Lotus asked me what I meant about a trade for good luck and I told her I did not know what she meant and she said I said I made a trade for good luck and I told her I did not trade a thing and she must have misheard me. 

Whatever the case was she got up from scratching Townes’ head and told me she had to leave and I said she had not even eaten yet and she said she did not want to eat because she was not hungry and she needed to get in her car and drive because it was a couple of hours to drive to Edmonton and that is where she was getting her flight and she could not be late. I said okay and I understood because I understood having somewhere to be and having responsibilities and I went to give her a hug and she held up the suitcase and pressed me back with it. I am still confused by it. I am sure maybe she was upset by leaving too. When I looked around my cabin and thought about everything I have done here and everything that had happened there I got a bit jumpy too. It dawned on me that maybe a change in job was not the only reason Lotus was moving to Toronto and I thought I might as well ask because I did not know the next time I would see her or if I would ever see her again so I needed to ask. I asked her Jarrett was giving her a hard time and if he was the reason she was leaving Screaming Ridge and she snorted and shook her head. She said he was always a problem but she would never have let someone like him push her off her land. She said she was choosing to leave and she knew he would never leave because he did not have the guts to leave and he did not have the skills to leave and he would not last a minute outside of Screaming Ridge because he did not know shit from fuck. I said I was sorry because I think I offended her and she said I did offend her because everyone always made it seem that she did things responding to the world around her and that she could not make her own way in the world and shape the world around her. I told her I could understand that and I actually felt the same way and I have been working very hard to make the world around me what I want it to be and that is why she had not seen me very much in the last little while. Lotus asked me what I meant by that and I think she was starting to wonder about the casket in the basement and I knew I could not tell her. I did not want to lie to her but I did not want to tell her the truth either and I know that is a hard position to be in because I have never wanted to tell a lie in my entire life and I have done a very good job of not lying ever and I had to choose to lie or to tell the truth and I chose to lie to her. I told her I was just working hard on the farm and working hard with the animals and the hard work was paying off. 

Lotus told me she was worried about how I was running the farm and I told her I know I did not know exactly what I was doing but I was confident in what I was doing and how it was working because look at how much money I was making at the markets and she said the money is not what she was talking about. She said the word around was a lot of other farmers did not like me exactly because of how much money I was making at the markets and I told her that is because they were jealous they were not making as much money as me and she said it is not because they were jealous but because what I was selling was not as good as what they were selling and I was making more money and I said that is jealousy. Lotus was getting mad at me and I could tell because she shouted at me it is not jealousy when someone thinks there is something funny happening because someone is selling something not as good as something else for a higher price and everyone is buying what is not as good for that higher price. She told me that is how good businesses go out of business because whoever is buying something that is lower quality for more money has less money to buy something good and after a while there is no money. I think I missed something in what she explained to me because I do not really understand how money works like that but I told her while I understood what she said — even if I did not entirely — I did not agree with her. She told me she was happy I was enjoying good luck but I needed to think about if my good luck was really good luck if it was hurting everyone else and if it was then I needed to find a way to help instead of hurt.

Lotus gave a quick apology for offending me even though I did not feel offended. I felt a little confused she would say all of that to me without barely having seen me over the last while but I told her I appreciated her honesty and she said she had to leave because she did not want to miss her flight to Toronto. I decided against trying to hug her because she did not want to and I thanked her for her friendship over the years and that I would never forget her. She nodded and said the same thing to me and when she left and closed the door behind her I wonder if my brother would be upset with me for how my relationship with Lotus ended. I know in life we go different ways and people come and people go and there is not always anything we can do about it and I hope he would understand that. 

Anyway it now seemed the only person I had in the world to talk to was Townes and he made himself known by rubbing around my feet and my legs and meowing up at me and telling me what mattered was the moment and he was right. In a world where everything is spinning so fast and turning so fast the only thing I can count on is what is happening right around me and what I can control. I know I could not keep Lotus from leaving because she wanted to leave but I am sure if Screaming Ridge had not been as cold to her she might have stayed and it bothers me a great deal that she is leaving even if it is for something big and something good. What I could do was exactly what Lotus said I could do and that was use my luck to make life better for Screaming Ridge and I would do that.