Stone Overcoat - September 7, 2020
September 7 2020
It is hard to believe I have been writing this journal for only three days now. Like a lot of things I suppose it is not that hard if I put my mind to it and I have done that and here I am. A lot of things have been that way in my whole life now that I think about it but especially when I think about those last few months in Screaming Ridge. A lot was going through my mind because of what Lotus said to me and I will never forget her and I have never forgotten her and I hope she found everything she needed to find in Toronto and I hope she is not mad at me and she has never forgotten me. I know it is selfish to want things from other people and I should do a better job of not doing that but I do not always know how to do a better job of it and there came a time in my life where I did not need to do a better job of anything because of the luck I had. I learned that I could make my own luck and I could decide whether it was good or bad and that was something I never thought I would be able to do. I did not think finding the stone casket would do what it did but it did and here I am almost 15 years later still able to talk about it and I think there is something to be said about that.
In some ways I am worried about what I am about to write because it is almost like writing it down makes everything real and if anyone asks me about what happened in Screaming Lake it will not matter if I answer or not because there is a written copy of it. It is funny how something cannot seem real until it is written down because when it is just words out loud it is hearsay or at least that is what I have heard it called before and I think in a way that is the funniest thing of all. Because something is written down it is not hearsay? Because I write something all of a sudden it is true and I cannot take it back? I do not think that is how anything is actually supposed to work. Words on paper can lie just as much as a mouth can lie and I know because I started to do that more and more after Lotus left and I am very ashamed of that. I went from never lying to always lying and I feel bad about it even though I know there are people who have never told the truth in their whole lives and who only lie and they lie so much they have told themselves what they are saying is the truth and that is the worst to me. It is the worst when someone lies so much that it is the only thing they know and then in some ways it becomes the truth to them and if that is the case I do not know how to say what they are saying is not true because it is becomes true in a way. Maybe there is a difference between the truth and what is true and I am sure there are smarter people in the world who have that conversation. I am just a farmer from Screaming Ridge, Alberta, and I am not even a very good farmer so what do I know about anything.
